Being the parent of a teenager can be exceptionally frustrating. Although you love them the same way that you did when they were in their pre-teen cuddly phase, things have changed drastically. They now want to spend time as much time as possible with their friends and on their electronics and as little time as possible with you. Sound familiar?
So how do you rein in your child, strengthen your bond, and engage with them so you don’t feel like you are losing them to the dark side? Below are 10 ideas to attempt to reconnect with your teen. Of course, every kid is different, Your teen may not like many of the ideas on this list but with this many options, at least a few should pique your teen’s interest. While many of the items on this list are free, especially those listed on the front end of the article, some will require minimal start up cost or investment. Please add some comments and let me know which items were your teen’s favorites!
A few side notes regarding this process. First off, I recommend you try to engage with your teen on their terms. Forcing them to partake in activities leads to disinterest or worse yet resentment. Let them go through a list of ideas that you would like to propose and pick what sounds fun to them. Second, try to pick activities that provide an opportunity to interact. The point of this is to engage with your teen, if you are not doing that it defeats the purpose!
1) Sunday Night Dinners – We have a hectic household. Our two teenage boys are both in sports so after school, they are always running somewhere. It is extremely rare that we all sit down to dinner during the week. On weekends our kids are off running with their friends and disengaging from the world after a long week. We realized we were not really connecting enough so instituted mandatory Sunday night dinners. We always eat these dinners at home, sitting at the kitchen table at the same time, and electronics are banned. Everyone needs to bring something to the table – something fun that happened during the week, an event that is coming up the following week, or anything personal to share with the family. The first week we instituted this was a DISASTER. Our 16 year old wanted no part of the conversation. He was being sarcastic, flippant, and downright obnoxious. It turned into screaming and crying but we would not let him get up from the table. It took a while but cooler heads prevailed as we both established why the other party was upset and figured out a way to compromise. The dinner ended in a hug. The next week’s dinner also had a bit of drama but there was far less. The following week went unbelievably smooth. There was a mutual respect that was previously missing, everyone was open, and it felt like a huge weight was lifted!!
2) Get Active Outdoors – We love living in Phoenix. Although we may not like running around when temperatures kick up over 100 degrees, we have at least 9 months to enjoy a moderate climate. Unless your teen has an affinity towards a specific activity (i.e. they are really into basketball and just want to shoot hoops), diversity is a nice key to keep them interested. We have tried to get our kids out for a hike and have had limited success. When they have been interested is when it is a cool hike like the Echo Canyon hike at Camelback Mountain. We all love this hike which requires you to basically climb the face of a relatively steep mountain by climbing up boulders. Not brutally hard but certainly challenging! Other great activities include going for a bike ride, playing sand volleyball, playing disc golf or real golf, or even throwing a ball or frisbee around at the park. A fun adventure that we tried during a recent trip downtown was renting Bird scooters and just riding around the city together. The kids loved it! One of the things we always try to do is engage our kids with NEW EXPERIENCES. More about that later…
3) Get Active Indoors – For those days when the weather is just not cooperating, there are plenty of activities you can do together that are indoors. A few examples of this are ice skating, roller skating, bowling, axe throwing, and visiting museums. I am a bit hesitant to put movies / theater on this list. While you both may enjoy attending this type of event together, keep in mind that the objective is to engage with your teen and the vast majority of time you are not actually communicating while attending a show.
4) Game Night – This one has not been successful when we tried to formalize it (i.e. every Friday night is game night), but it is a great one to pop in every so often. To pull this one off, it is important to have a nice variety of game options and letting them pick what to play. A few favorites in our family are Ticket to Ride, Apples to Apples, Rummikub and Skip-bo. If you aren’t up for investing in a shelf full of games, there are plenty of games that can be played with a simple deck of cards. Click on favorite card games to get a listing of games and how to play!
5) Get Festive – In every city, there are a litany of festivals that you can attend when in season. These vary from simple music festivals to full blown Renaissance Fairs or rodeos with a fest. My personal favorite is any type of food festival, especially one that has a huge variety of international foods. Tasting things that you or your teen have never tried before and comparing notes is a really fun experience. If you just type “festival events” / the current month / your city into google, it should list a bunch of options going on in your area.
6) Join a Mentoring Organization like Big Brother Big Sister as a Family – This one was never on my kid’s radar but it has been hands down the best decision my wife and I ever made to engage our children. When I originally looked into this, I was just looking to be a positive role model for a kid who grew up in underprivileged environment. The option was provided to sign up by myself or as a family. I talked to my kids about this program and they were originally less than enthusiastic. However, since signing up they have joined me and my wife for outings every other weekend. We now do all sorts of activities together – playing at the park, bowling, attending festivals, etc. Not only are they bonding with a child who needs some positive, nurturing relationships in his life but we are also spending quality time with our kids. Bonus!!
6) Hit a Flea Market – This is a bit out of the box but can be a really fun experience. Usually the cost of admission is only a few bucks and it is fun to walk around and see the variety of discounted wares available. It also gives you a great opportunity to help them develop their negotiation skills!
7) Set up a Scavenger Hunt – Teaming up with your teen to hunt for objects in the world can be a lot of fun. During Christmas time, we pull a listing of decorations off the internet (i.e. mickey mouse, sleigh, blue lights, candy cane, Grinch, etc) and break into teams, seeing who can find the most decorations within a designated period of time (i.e. one hour). This one flows a bit smoother when you have a family of four and each parent can team up with one of the kids. It is super fun when you compete against other families! You can set up a scavenger hunt at any time of year, competing against your teens. Just make a list of objects or scenes that need to be found and the winner is the one who can capture the most on that list with a picture. This list can be totally random. In summer you can list a park bench, a picnic table, a kite, two people wearing hats in the same picture, etc. and declare the winner at the end of the weekend. This is a great way to get your teens eyes off electronics and observing the world that is around them! Another activity that parlays into scavenger hunts is geocaching. There are literally millions of geocaches around the world, hidden right under your nose. This is another event where you can break into teams or can all go on the hunt as a family.
8) Get out on the Water – In warmer climates, days by a lake or ocean can be wonderful bonding experiences. To keep things low cost, a visit to a beach to relax in the sun and swim can be a pleasant experience. Some smaller lakes offer paddleboats or even wave runners that can provide a few hours of fun. You can rent a small rowboat and go out for a day of fishing if your kid is into that type of outing. If you are willing to spend a bit more money for quality time, you can look to rent a larger motor boat or sailboat for half a day. This can be particularly fun when you split the cost with another family and also rent a set of water skis or an inner tube so they can go tubing. Another phenomenal adventure we have gone on is a whitewater rafting trip. Finding opportunities that integrate adventure, new experiences, and force you to work together are the best for strengthening your bond!
9) Concerts – Although this kind of falls under the same category as a movie or theater, concerts can be a phenomenal bonding opportunity, especially if there is a band that your teen likes that also interests you. You can often find concerts in the park or at festivals for free. Some music festivals require a daily admission fee but also have other activities to engage in. Concerts for top artists have gotten extremely expensive but can be worth the cost. There is plenty of time on the way to the concert, while waiting for the band to come on, and in between songs to connect with your teen while they are in their most receptive mental state.
10) Vacation – I saved the best for last! The absolute best way to connect with your teen is to get away from home with them on some sort of trip. This investment in your relationship is as good as it gets and can come in a variety of forms. This can be a trip to another country full of exploring, a weekend adventure to a new city within driving distance, or even an overnight camping trip. The key to pulling this one off is scheduling a variety of new experiences in advance so they don’t get bored and want to escape to their electronics. Be sure you are planning something that everyone will enjoy. If they hate bugs, don’t like fishing, and are afraid of fire, you can likely cross camping off your list… When planning vacations, I always focus on introducing as many new experiences as possible. Some crazy things we have done on vacation include milking a cow on a Costa Rican farm, snorkeling with a monkey in the Caribbean Sea and snorkeling without a cage among a group of Galapagos sharks in Oahu. As long as the total vacation was a positive one, my teens will use those adventures / experiences as positive mental references. If they see a cow, they will likely think about their encounter with a cow in Costa Rica, think about how fun that total vacation was, and have positive memories about connecting with their parents! Keep in mind that the experiences do not need to be that grandiose. As I write this, we are on a weekend vacation in Portland. After researching things to do in the city, I came across a local gym on Groupon that offers a 90 minute experience on a course that is similar to what is found on American Ninja Warrior. After using discounts, the total for our party of 4 was just $45. This is less than the cost of a movie but will provide exercise, adventure, and a memorable new experience!!